


Flash From The Pan

by Ryumaru



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Bickering, Comedy, Duelling, Gen, Slapstick, implied polyamory, what's not to love?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:01:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23590483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryumaru/pseuds/Ryumaru
Summary: The membership of the free company Fate's Design have a small... spat over the attentions of their leader. Shenanigans ensue.
Kudos: 4
Collections: Ryumaru's Commissioned Works





	Flash From The Pan

Limsa Lominsa was no stranger to fights of various kinds. Tavern brawls, duels of honor, back-alley muggings and vigilante justice were all among the usual fare for the port city. Today, however, marked perhaps the first time in Limsa's checkered history that all involved were indeed on the same side. 

The stately home complex of the Free Company known as Fate's Design, helmed by a talented woman by the name of Clerissa Althyne, was the scene of this (potentially) historic occasion. More specifically, the kitchens. They had been built to contain the talents - and egos - of multiple culinarians, and thus were both spacious and well-stocked enough to supply the company in the unlikely event of a siege. One such culinarian, a Lalafell, was currently hefting one of her favorite frying pans. It had been engraved with her name, Alysandra Murok. Both pan and name were gifts from her Highlander parents, who had adopted and raised the Lalafell in Limsa. Tradition was not the only thing Alysandra broke readily, as many members of Fate's Design knew well, especially if they were on the short and pointed end of her temper. 

One of her opponents, an Au Ra known in the company as Magni - and any relation to the similarly-named Oronir chieftain was vehemently denied - was cursing his luck and diving for cover. All it had taken was one little remark about the company’s leader. One offhand remark about how she had looked that morning; blonde Hyuran hair sparkling in the sunlight or somesuch. Everyone knew she was admired by the majority of the Free Company, they just didn’t say it aloud. Mostly because of the potential for something like this to happen. 

So, Magni found himself ducking a thrown pot, one which had narrowly clipped one of his horns and made a significant dent in the wall behind him. Miraculously, the pot itself was not damaged. The same could not be said for the immediate future of Magni’s skull. 

“Oh, think you’ll be the one to win ‘er heart, will ya?” Alysandra growled. “Far as I’m concerned, only one of us here is worthy of it, and it ain’t the one cowering behind the ice chest full of veggies.” 

“The hells are you on about?” Magni shouted. “You’re already bloody married!” He ducked again, this time avoiding the flash of a ladle in the sunlight. In Alysandra’s hands, a simple ladle was as deadly as a knife blade. 

“Hurok an’ I have an understanding!” It wasn’t a lie - Alysandra and her husband both were smitten with Clerisa’s charm, and they had already cemented a bond that wouldn’t be broken so easily. 

Magni stopped. “... you do? Well, that’s mighty trustworthy of the both of you- AGH!” His compliment had been interrupted by a small container of ground pepper. 

“I appreciate you sayin’ so!” Alysandra’s tone was still argumentative, and she had another jar in hand, but still seemed to be sincere. 

“Takes a certain - hng- _chuf_ \- kind of love - hng- _chuf_ \- to make that work,” Magni said, around sneezes brought on by the pepper. 

Alysandra shrugged and hurled her other jar. “You’re damn right! And Cler deserves someone who can manage it!”

The jar stopped mid-flight, caught in a small cachet of winds. The conjurer, a Viera that both knew. “Well, the both of you certainly are making enough racket,” said Yukina, using her conjury to set the jar back on the counter with care. “What’s the occasion?”

“This here lout sa-” started Alysandra. 

“Clerisa,” finished Magni. 

“Oh?” The normally peaceable Yukina lowered her staff a bit, her demeanor beginning to chill. “Is that so…?” 

Both Magni and Alysandra took a moment to reflect upon the fact that they both had likely made a grievous error. 

It hadn’t been long, but Yukina Rose had joined Fate’s Design for the express purpose of earning Clerisa’s approval. She had been impressed by Clerisa’s leadership during a clash with poachers near her home, and the Viera was determined to return the favor in some way. 

A blast of air rippled through the kitchen, causing both of its occupants to hurl themselves behind whatever cover was available. In this case, Alysandra certainly had the advantage, being as small as she was. The windows rattled, as did the cutlery on wall racks. In the next room over, R’tahn Tia looked up from his notes on his latest project with an annoyed glare. Then he sighed, and went back to his coffee and notebook. 

A second burst of wind tore a cookpot from its perch on the stove. Alysandra popped her head up over the counter she had ducked behind and bellowed a complaint. “Oi! We weren’t usin’ bloody magic to start this out, you cheat!” 

In response, Yukina simply smiled. “Well, we are now, aren’t we?”

From his seat behind the massive stew cauldron, Magni grimaced. “Yes, of course, start flinging magic when there’s only one of us what can’t….” 

Alysandra’s eye twitched. “Oh, so that’s how it is?” She raised her frying pan meaningfully. Magni knew that tone. It meant there would soon be fire, and lots of it. Possibly lightning as well. Alysandra rarely let herself stick to a single element when it came to destruction. 

Time slowed for Magni, and he calculated his options. He himself was no mage, and if it came down to a battle of spells, he would be left in the dust. Or left as dust. He’d been trained to fight dragons, and later alongside dragons, not to put himself out when lit aflame. In his mind, it was his job to stay in close, always, and rely on others to keep him from suffering total disaster. Unfortunately, Yukina was one of those “others.” If he wanted to succeed here, he would have to be fast. He would have to execute his strategy flawlessly. He would have to take down one, then the other, before they could lock him down. To a dragoon, staying still was death. 

If one had to fall first, he thought, it would have to be Alysandra. She was far more ruthless, far more talented at inflicting pain. If he could knock her out, then dealing with Yukina would be much simpler. That was his plan then: ambush the Lalafell, then use his momentum to get past the Viera’s guard. He would need to get around the cauldron. With Yukina in the doorway to the kitchen, his best route would be towards the back, wheeling around past the stove and into a blind spot behind Alysandra. Rather than getting pinned between the two spellcasters, he would pin the most dangerous between him and her rival. An easy elimination. 

Magni took a breath. Now was the time. He lunged. 

And was promptly blown through the opposite wall, crashing into the table R’tahn was seated at. Scrambling to save his notebook from the coffee that was now airborne, R’tahn hissed a chain of curses. Once he had dodged any potential ruin of his notes, he stormed off, leaving Magni to recline in the wreckage of the wall and table. 

Alysandra had hurled flames, at the same time as Yukina invoking wind. The spells had met in mid-air, and caused a mild explosion. 

Now, it was down to just the two mages. Alysandra flipped the frying pan in her hand, still sizzling from the fireball she had batted with it. She grinned confidently, meeting Yukina’s calculating gaze. Her counterpart repositioned her staff to return the smirk. 

“So,” said Alysandra, “shall we settle this?”

Yukina’s smile took on a cool edge. “We shall. And though you are rather skilled, I confess, I simply cannot allow myself to suffer defeat here.” 

“Why thank you, dear. You’re quite a match yourself.” 

Lightning sprang from Alysandra’s suddenly outstretched hand, to be met with a conjured bubble of water. The hiss and flash of steam gave way to further tension, as both mages began to take cautious steps around one another - circling like predators. 

“Faster than I thought on the draw,” admitted Alysandra. 

“Practice thanks to Magni,” answered Yukina. 

“Oh, yes, that would do it.”

Another flash of magic, and flames met with stone. 

“No wind this time?”

“I thought it would be inappropriate to cause a second explosion.”

“True, true. I have always admired that sense of propriety of yours,” Alysandra said.

Yukina’s smile took on a genuine air. “Oh, why thank you. It does get tiresome, sometimes, and your directness is always refreshing.” 

“I should hope so, for as frequently as people think I’m simply rude.”

With a crackling noise, ice met another stone, shattering into myriad snowflakes. 

“Damn,” said Alysandra, simply. 

“You’re getting predictable, dear,” replied Yukina. 

Three quick motions, and three quick lightning bolts scorched the brick surrounding the large oven. In response, Yukina slammed the floor tiles upward into the ceiling. It was a variation on the classic Stone spell that a few of the company members had adopted. A few timbers from the roof splintered, which only partially masked the yells of protest from above. 

“That was a bloody winning hand!”

“Winning my arse, you cheat!”

“Save the ale!”

“Those boots were new!”

The dueling mages ignored them. 

“We seem to be at a stalemate,” said Yukina. 

“Indeed,” concurred Alysandra.

“Perhaps we should forgo magic, then?” 

Alysandra raised an eyebrow. “... and just beat one another silly with whatever comes to hand?”

Yukina shrugged. “Aye, if for no other reason than novelty.” 

Once again, Alysandra flipped the frying pan in her hand. Her grin was sharp enough to cut thread. “Oh, in that case, it’s bloody on!” 

The Lalafell hurled herself bodily towards her opponent. Yukina stepped gracefully to the side and jabbed low with her staff, knocking the pan aside and throwing Alysandra off balance. She quickly followed that with a sweep, which caught Alysandra by the fold of her sleeve and kept her staggering back. 

Not one to be outdone so easily, Alysandra tucked and rolled, shielding her precious pan with her body. As she came up, so did the pan, in an uppercut that would have made Hamon Holyfist proud. Well, were he inclined to use cookware as a weapon, in any case. It was all Yukina could do to block the unexpected swing, and she could feel her staff ringing with the impact. The magicked wood held, however, with no sign of splintering or other damage. 

The Viera danced backwards, spinning to avoid a follow-up blow. She turned her momentum to her favor, whipping the end of her staff around with her. Alysandra hopped, and managed to not only get herself over the scything length of wood, but grab ahold with her free hand. 

“... are you allowed to do that?” asked Yukina, momentarily stunned. 

“Hells if I know!” shouted Alysandra. 

In response, Yukina blinked, then started to shake her staff. Unfortunately, the Lalafell’s hands had a strength that far belied her size. A few swings cleared the countertops of whatever clutter had accumulated. Jars, knives, pans, shakers, cutting boards - everything flew off and onto the floor. Unable to keep her grip on both staff and weapon of choice, Alysandra let go of her pan in order to gain a better hold. The pan, by some bizarre coincidence, flipped through the hole Magni had left in the wall. There was a low _thonk_ and a muffled groan of agony from the other side. 

Adrenaline surging, Alysandra managed to whip her legs up towards Yukina’s head. The Viera, trying to maintain her dignity in the face of little Lalafellin shoes in her, well, face, shook harder. Thoroughly unwilling to come loose, Alysandra braced her feet against Yukina’s cheek, yelling insults the entire time. 

There was a low rumbling. The chunk of earth dislodged earlier quivered and sunk back into the floor, rattling the debris scattered around it. Both Yukina and Alysandra stopped cold. 

In the doorway, Clerisa herself stood, cane of her own in hand and undoing the conjury-inflicted havoc on the basic structure of _her_ kitchens. She struck an imposing figure as only an outraged white mage could. 

Wordlessly, Yukina slowly pointed a finger at Alysandra. 

“I don’t bloody care who started it,” Clerisa said, voice low and menacing. “It’s finished now, aye?”

Mutely, both mages nodded. 

“And now you’re going to clean up, aye?”

Again, they nodded. 

“And fix the bloody great Magni-shaped hole in the wall?”

Both mages looked at the hole as though seeing it for the first time. 

“I’ll take your silence as a ‘yes.’ Now get to work afore I give you both a boot to get you started.”

Sheepishly, Alysandra detached herself from Yukina’s staff and began to gather the shards of various kitchen items. Yukina herself gingerly began seeking out a broom. 

Clerisa Althyne, having defused the situation, heaved a heavy sigh. She gave it three days before another fight broke out.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first of my commissioned works! Like, not just for this batch of commissions, but the first one I've ever done. 
> 
> This was also a blast to write. I'm especially proud of the gags involving the wall and the ceiling.
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr at ryumarumg.


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